Halloween is just around the corner, and if you’re anything like me, you probably didn’t plan very well. Sure, you could wear that Spiderman costume your mom made you in high school, but with the magic of Amazon and basically unlimited free money available on your credit card, why not buy something online (disclaimer: I don’t really know how credit cards work).
Some of these suggestions are pretty standard fare. And others, I’m thinking outside the box. All of them will work for males, females, or whatever preferred gender pronoun situation you might find yourself in.
Enough foreplay… here’s the list, ordered by Amazing to WTF:
1. A Tuxedo & Your Imagination – $74.99
Starting out strong here but I know what you’re thinking… a tux! Halloween is supposed to be fun–not my cousin’s bat mitzvah!!
I get it. But here’s the deal: costumes are getting ridiculously expensive, so why not spend $75 on something that you’ll actually need at some point?!
Trust me, in 2014 I had to usher at my Aunt Edna’s 3rd wedding (Ugh! Edna!!) and just when I was going to slam down $193 to rent a tux for two days, I had a revelation: AMAZON. Seventy-five dollars and two days later I was sitting pretty with my brand new monkey suit, and you know what? I’ve warn it 10 times since–that’s an average of $7.50 per wear! Who needs Men’s Wearhouse when I have my closet? I seriously wear this thing whilst sipping martinis and watching old James Bond movies (Connery, obviously, I’m not a terrorist)–what other Halloween costume can you do that with?
Okay so you’re convinced, but what’s the costume? Here’s 13 ideas that I wrote down in less than 30 seconds: James Bond, an Oscar Winner, a Groom, a Best Man who is secretly sleeping with the Groom, Lt. Aldo Raine, Jack Donaghy, Basically everyone in Downton Abbey, A Spy, A Spy who Shagged me, A Spy who’s gonna shag someone tonight (everyone looks better in a tux), A ‘formal apology’, Arnold Schwarzenegger in about eight movies, p president (not our president but a president).
Comes in every size. 11 colors. Jacket. Pants. Vest. 🔥You’re welcome.
BTW, it should be obvious that I’m not writing all of this from my mom’s basement just for your entertainment. So, if you click on this link, I might make, like, $0.28 or something. These martini glasses don’t fill themselves after all (I knew you’d understand).
That is, you can buy a hat that kinda looks like one the fictional character Sherlock Holmes mighta worn.
People who are taking this idea seriously (especially after that gem of a photo above) are looking for a certain kind of Halloween experience. One that says, “hey, at least I went to the trouble of buying something on Amazon this year instead of wearing that Spiderman Costume my mom made for me in the eighth grade for the third time in a row!”
I see you. Go ahead and check that Halloween box:
Major Key 🔑alert: Clicking my links means making me money. Not a lot of money, in fact, I probably wont be able to afford this hat… but still, I thought you should know 👊.
This Halloween you can literally wear anything (or nothing at all), and the simple act of donning this magical headpiece will have you riding the Bull alongside Will Smith & Kid Rock as a Cow-boy ba-by!
You can take my word: I’ve lived in Texas for eight years.
Sure, you’ll be all hat and no cattle, but who cares! Listen to Carrie Underwood who said, “Throw caution to the wind and just do it.” And if a hat isn’t enough, add in Smiffy’s Men’s Belt And Holster and Levi’s Men’s 100% Cotton Bandana to complete the look.
Comes in four colors: Black, Brown, Pink, and White for every gender and non-gender costuming goals out there.
You should know that for every hat you buy, Jeff Bezos will personally write me a check for $0.11, or nothing. I’m honestly not sure how it works.
1,493 people can’t be wrong: this full body suit by AltSkin must be the most popular Halloween costume ever! Or, er, maybe they’re buying it for something else? We’ll never know.
This All Hallow’s Eve you can cover a multitude of sins, or at least your entire body, with 12 different sizes and 43 different colors. You can storm Area 51 in neon green or pretend to be your ex-girlfriend’s shadow in matte black (as long as it’s not within 500 feet of a school). On second thought, I really don’t want to know what you use this for.
If you click on this link, and buy this suit, Amazon will toss me a few shillings. In a legal sense, does that make me culpable for whatever it is you’re planning to do with this thing?
With puns intended, we are changing gears into things actually marketed as Halloween costumes.
You know, the first time I got an oil change and the local Lube-n-Fill I was mesmerized by the violent yet consistent flailing and flopping of the inflatable 9-ft tall person thing beckoning me with each lop and vibration of it’s unfettered midsection to GET MY OIL CHANGED NOW!!
I thought at the time (as I’m sure you have) if only I had the wreck-less abandon–and jelly-like structure–to wave in the wind all day long instead of being stuck behind a desk writing about Halloween costumes.
Like me, you now have your chance for one sweet night to live those unrequited dreams of enticing un-lubed vehicle owners to your beck and call–and all for the sweet sweet price of $45.99. Your move ♟.
Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark have done with their money, Jeff Bezos should really be ashamed for instead giving people like me $0.17 every time someone buys an Inflatable Tube Dancer.
Every night before bed my daughter asks me the same question: “Daddy, are Unicorns real?”
I answer, “Yes sweetie, of course they are real.”
“But Mommy and the science-teacher that she’s dating say that they’re not. They say that if Unicorns are real, why aren’t they at the zoo, or found in pictures on Wikipedia? ”
That kind of evidence is hard to refute, so I realize I have to answer honestly: “Because only happy people can see them, my love.”
Yes. Clicking on this link and buying my unicorns will make me money. But it will also make little girls believe in something that isn’t true. And that has to count for something.
Honestly, this thing is truly frightening. Just writing this review has given me a few more things I need to talk to my therapist about.
I’m usually recommending this stuff just for my own LOLZ, but when I saw this nightmare machine for less than the cost of Fiji water at the airport, I had to recommend it.
If getting people to vomit in fear is your goal, I think we found a winner.
I’m not happy about making money on this one. But if you buy more than 100 of these masks, I might be able to cover the cost of one therapy session.
8. The Old Standby: A 55 Gallon Drum of Lube – $1,354.23
Sure it might heavy, but it’s available on Amazon Prime and 3,747 positive reviewers can’t be wrong.
You’re sure to be the life of the party with this bad boy on your back (or shoulders? I’m not really sure about the logistics).
Definitely gender neutral, and looking for a good time–stay safe, and make friction afraid of you this Halloween season!
If you seriously buy this I will seriously take Amazon’s money for pointing you in this direction 😆